Carolyn Hax: He asked late wifes bestie for friendship with benefits

Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: I lost my wife last year to breast cancer, and it was the most devastating thing I’ve ever experienced. I can’t imagine ever wanting a romantic relationship with another woman.

I have been missing the physical side of a relationship, so I approached a friend, “Margo,” about a “friends with benefits” situation. Margo’s been friends with me and my wife for almost 20 years. We helped her get the courage to leave her emotionally abusive marriage and stood by her though the bitter divorce. This was about 10 years ago. Since then, Margo hasn’t dated much; she kept saying she didn’t think she’d ever want a full-blown relationship again.

Because of that, I thought she might be interested in a FWB with me, but she was really insulted when I brought it up. She said she thinks of me as a sibling and thought I felt the same way about her.

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She’s been avoiding me lately. Two questions: Was I out of line to make that suggestion? And, how to fix this?

— Anonymous

Anonymous: Way to test my verbal restraint.

I can see how the offer made perfect sense to you. But I hope you can see that you didn't, apparently, give due thought to the possibility that she might see it differently — that the widower of her dear late old friend just hit her up for a booty call. Yikes.

Instead, you stopped at the similarities, because that served you. Plus, you are grieving your wife intensely — and maybe did not properly consider that her best friend would also feel devastated by her own grief.

So in these senses, yes, you were out of line for not giving full consideration to Margo’s feelings before you propositioned her. Or at least waiting for some sign that she’d be receptive.

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The way to fix it is to say this explicitly when you apologize — that you let your loneliness swamp your judgment and you failed to consider her feelings before you spoke up.

She might not be able to “unsee” you this way, so even a proper apology might not revive the friendship. But it’s important to deliver it anyway.

Last thing, for what it’s worth: If Margo were to ask me how to handle your apology, I’d advise her to accept it and forgive you. People wracked with grief and loneliness — and not being touched for months, sometimes years — are susceptible to yearnings that overwhelm their judgment. I do feel for you, and I am very sorry for your loss.

Readers’ thoughts:

· I had a similar situation occur, except that I was propositioned — at the funeral! — by an older man whom I had regarded as a mentor and father figure. I was able to be kind, calm and understanding of the grief-fueled error in judgment — but I also ended any further contact. Knowing that he had assessed me in that way made it impossible to continue any relationship.

You may not be able to “fix” anything in a way that makes your former close friend comfortable, ever again. Another loss, and it’s sad, but she doesn’t have to fix this for you.

· I had a male friend ask me for that. I said no, and chalked it up to grief and loneliness. I hope she comes to that realization as well.

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